netiquette

the things we say

when no one knows 

who we are

is who we are

not etiquette 

before the queen

but the netiquette 

behind the screen 

the mask reveals

the man beneath 

Disappearing boyfriend

I wish you weren't so far away 

It seems like only yesterday 

My arms wrapped round your sturdy chest 

And on your shoulder my head found rest

Your lips my forehead gently kissed

This communion I've greatly missed 

If the distance were measured simply

In lengths my cheeks might still be dimply

But there's no ruler to measure this 

The space between what was and is

The Race

you elude me

i run

as fast as i can

but you’re always ahead

i can’t get closer

the distance only grows

we started at the same place

i took off

left you behind

always staying close enough

to tease

to taunt

i should have just run

now i’m lagging

you’ve sailed past

i can still see you

but know

soon enough

you will disappear

a memory on the horizon

i can’t keep up

no matter

my struggle

and you

won’t even look back

and cheekily wave

goodbye

Kittens tumble over one another, as kittens do.
In the corner, one sits alone.
She licks her fur with contempt for the others' antics.
That is my kitten.

He gets off the local.
He gets off the local to switch to the express.
This change will only skip 3 stops.
This change only saves time if the express comes.
And if the express comes quickly.
As often as not, it does not.
He gets off the train
for the dream of a faster train.
For a fiction.
And in the same way,
he goes through girlfriends.
Leaving the one for an empty platform.
For a randomized hope.
So it was with me.
We would have gotten there if he'd stayed.
Instead, I am empty
and alone he stands
staring at his phone
and willing a faster train
to arrive.

caught in the net

once intertwined
we frayed and split

lost glimpses
murmured rumors
hints and intimations
shards of a life
I might have shared

with a single click
I crack
and crumble

the internet interjecting
the interminable realization
that my actions or reactions or inaction
have brought about
my expulsion

I see a life curated
crafted and cultivated

and can only guess at the accuracy
to mitigate my misery

before clicking onward
ever onward
to the next thing

...and seek

I beat you at Scrabble,
You beat me at Cribbage,
At poker and Quarto we tied.
But there is one game
That I always lose...
Holy shit, you know how to hide.
One moment you're there
then, Shazaam! you're gone.
The silence is...disconcerting.
A call from the ump
Pazzow! you're back
with kisses and fun and flirting.
So no more of the games
that toy with my heart
for I am too tired for seeking
I've yelled myself hoarse,
I've looked with no luck,
And my interest no longer is piquing.
For cards and boards games,
I'm always available,
but tonsil hockey is quits.
And hide the salami,
that's over and done,
The uniform no longer fits.
If you want to play, you have to show up -
at practice as well as the games
you're not a ringer
you don't have a ring
your inconstancy give me pains.

Blabbermouth

All I am is awkward,
Ungainly,
And unkempt.
My tumbled, jumbled words a muddle,
A high-pitched blur,
A wreck.

I hear myself
As if another
And inwardly mock;
Contemptful of this thing
This sad, forlorn contrivance
Longing for affection
For affinity
For eternity
Who yet makes certain
Unfulfillment

With sonic rambling
Buffeting all who approach
In windy wasteful wishy-washy twaddle.

love's fall

our august August love
could not last
past Labor Day
but laboriously
shambled away

whilst September cools
the warmth of summer's passion
so we brace
for autumn's brisk brusquness
and the eventual winter wasteland
we will weather alone

Falderal

All my glasses had rose-tinted lenses,
All stories would end with the kiss,
All my songs were in major chords,
All hope predicated on this.

But the sun shone bright in the Garden of Eden
And there's always a snake before the fall.
Temptation speaks with soft caress
And innocence ends for us all.

The glasses obscure and the kiss deceives.
Minor chords add melancholy grace.
Hopes dashed lead to wisdom won,
The wisdom gained by losing face.

And yet, some larger hope survives.
It whispers of future glories,
"Obstacles beaten and perseverance maintained
Are the basis of all great stories."

So a humbler me puts on the glasses;
Writes the words to a happier tale
Where love's triumphant and joy abounds
And good intentions never fail.

The wiser me knows it's all unlikely -
That minor chords ring more true,
But the sanguine me holds on to the hope 
I can never completely eschew

Of fairy-tale endings and patience rewarded,
Of justice both swift and fair,
Of love requited and safe haven found
In a castle in the air.

remnants

a photo
a ticket stub
a fridge magnet
a sock

the detritus of you
litters my otherwise empty spaces
accosts me at unexpected moments
and makes me nostalgic for a past where there was a future

accomplishment

a quiet moment of unsolicited bliss
in the flash crinkle of a crooked grin
curving towards a dimpled cheek
whisked away suddenly
stoicism and cynicism returned
but not before I saw
and noted
and was gratified
in the knowing that it was mine

Swing and a miss

A promising start
derailed
 by the lack of a smile
at the appropriate moment.
A lingering glance
unreturned in time.
And thus,
 one future ends.
Ignominiously.
And the lonely show continues.

operation

heart in hand i hand it over
watch you fumble and cast aside,
dropped to the floor, splattered gore,
my heart my hope my pride
every drop of pooling blood that seeps away,
creeps away, trickles down in rivulets
and in return you hand me nothing
made up of emptiness, regrets
and on the floor i see it beat,
my heart pulses throbs and quivers
in my chest a hollow ache,
my blood can't circulate
no warmth moves me through me and i shiver
you wipe your hands and disappeared
the disaffected disinfected surgeon
and me, anaesthetic free, an open wound
left to heal itself, your sacrificial virgin

a little sip
a little dip
a little chatter
a little flirting
a lot more drinking
and how he looks don't matter
a little shame
a little time
a little late
a little test
a little unexpected
a little unprepared
a lot of conversations
a little compromise
a little wedding
a lot of wedding dress
a little place
a little bootie
a little bottle
a little sleep
a lot of tantrums
a little fighting
a lot of questions
a little regret
a lot of begging
a little forgiveness
a little more time
a little sister
a lot less sleep
a little more work
a lot more time

a hollow wind blows through me
melts my resolve
brings tears to my eyes
catches in my throat
tries to choke me

echos and whispers in the breeze
i hear them and think it's you

it's not

odd hobbies

A girl I know on facebook
posted a picture
of an animal skeleton she saw on the ground

I wanted to click and "share." 
It made my heart ache.
Not the dessicated remains of some feral cat
or squirrel
or rat
or racoon
but knowing that you would see it too
and take the same photo
capturing the universal
trapped in a pile of bones

Each day is this.
Moments trying not to think
about how you'd like this or that.
What you might be doing now. 
Who you've done, if anyone.

Wondering if words could span
3,000 miles
and bridge the gap.
But I can't speak out of turn
and so the distance grows
between me

and

you.

knot in the stomach

ache in the chest

never again

will the mind know rest  

awaiting an answer

for a question unasked

reading a face

that is never unmasked  

listening to truth

embellished and stretched

outwardly smiling

but inwardly wretched

striving to change

while stuck in a rut

hoping for closure

there's always a "but"

wheels keep on spinning

world always turns

no one is winning

heart always yearns

A rage wells up

inside of me

with every

extra

question.

Did you do this

and

how bout that?

It's worse than going to confession.

At least there

I'd get penance

and a moment of silence.

Instead, here I sit

and fume

and contemplete violence.

 

I could get up and leave. 

Just walk away.

But then I'd be suffering

a different sort of pain come rent day.

And so here I am, pretending to be

A steadfast and loyal employee

when all I really want is to be free.

 

Cry for help from a wrapped candy in the bowl on my boss's desk

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