milk or lemon?

ambulatory grief am i
not bed-ridden misery

i nod & chat & pour & stir
& do it all with glee
but underneath this gay facade
is something more of me

a heart that beats, it faintly beats,
but only beats for he
from whom with bated breath i long,
i yearn, i beg to be set free

but i am caught in tangled web
of golden memory
of denim eyes & copper hair
no future guarantee
without the wistful, haunting smile
i'm nevermore to see

so capture him, i'd try to,
in words of poetry
but every word is ashes
every phrase too twee
a fruitless undertaking
i'm sure that it would be

so it seems there is no respite
for a cognitive refugee
for the walls are closing in
on my aching reverie

& in my sad dementia
i dream of him on bended knee
a paradise quite different
from my grim reality

but i'll hide my agitation
as i smile and sip my tea